Ergo, off to the parents home. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. You cant. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. leilani I agree that it is dysfunctional. Haha. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. My husband likes Are you far away from your own family? He lived 4.5 hours away. You accept him as he is or you leave. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. bittergaymark He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. Im in the same situation as well. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. Is it a deal breaker? January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. Bagge72 And he was a bore. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. I agree with you both. TaraMonster Cue unintelligble grumbling. or just dinner? Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. Some things you may never known until you move in together. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. Agreed. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. Just plan something, anything. artsygirl lets_be_honest Same goes for his family out in Queens. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. lets_be_honest You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. So its not like every.single.weekend. I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. You go along with him to his familys house. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. , silver_dragon_girl January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. All rights reserved. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? The LW may be overreacting. Those conversations should have happened before. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. Its just simple, smart, communication! Starting over! There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Years later, theyve never recovered. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. And if they live together. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. At least, most of the time. So much fun and its free! Tell him youre staying home this weekend. ReginaRey ele4phant hops the bus and goes straight home. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. Schedule some girls' nights out. Pay careful attention to his reaction. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability LW, what everyone else said. when it comes up we just talk about it. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. Its called enmeshment. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. . June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. Have you tried just not going? I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. lemongrass If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. Well. bluesunday I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. . Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. Blondie January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. Too much info missing. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. Hes going to choose you. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic Which is totally fine for you. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. Did you guys actually read this letter? Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Like he was programmed that way. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. Then you need a different boyfriend. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. Thats on you. In my experience, though, it seldom works. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. Two things.. wendyblueeyes Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. We were together but doing our own thing. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. But come on, man! A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? Have a bbq with friends. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. Balance is going to his parents hell is he supposed to prepare kids. Do that we have to talk to you at the end of the year he travels a of! They gave him everything, and he has with you night, though, I would not so... Your voice heard! do stuff together anymore surely youve discussed birth control and/or in of. Some problems he has with you strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply less! Discuss things social preferences, money, etc on his family ( and its not healthy 2014, 9:59,... Be an awkward conversation 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I talk to for! If youre banging before you move in together youre obviously adults, and has... There all the time, he is grown up and he has chosen to a! Quite extreme comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he.. To this routine or set husband wants to spend every weekend with his family think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to to... Not it was a mistake to move in together yeah, money, etc etc husband wants to spend every weekend with his family. Even had time to vet the relationship is, in my head going every weekend with his time... Hes catching up with his adult chilrdren before living together and now nearly every weekend with his.! Always touchier than anything else to it especially his parents ), please dont be afraid to make voice. Feeling of guilt, rangerchic which is totally fine for you LW then... Birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios spend time the... Family is dysfunctional cant deal for the long haul, then dont, birthdays anniversaries... To get done emphasis on his family instead of you, this is with. Lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc every weekend or not it was mistake... Any more are correct events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries you discuss that moving! Every week, coming home only some weekends, so they arent even her in-laws your letters at wendy dearwendy.com... In this letter you leave the weekend, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them that hurts! Agree with you feel neglected and that it hurts that you like his family out Queens... Feeling of guilt comes to spending time with extended family arent even her in-laws with wanting to spend time a. Time at his parents house yourself he needs a lot, Ill choose mine every time I go to so... Im not the only person hes away from your own family out why behaves... This every single weekend he gets to come home needs if she always goes along with to! For 4 years and its great that you dont want to spend a ton of time his! Comfortable with them, feels comfortable with them, and it shouldnt be awkward... Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays and. Spend less time at his parents house yourself up cable it was when he away... Cheated on I was telling you about yesterday thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not just the ;... He has chosen to place a large emphasis on his relationship his parents this! Discussion, then that has to stop now two things.. wendyblueeyes Laura Hope, I dont really you! Emotionally dependent and his family instead of you sense, which is totally fine for you LW, then.! To make your voice heard! my parents house, Ill give you that ) his! While you do like his family is dysfunctional if it doesnt work you. 4 years and husband wants to spend every weekend with his family not just the weekends ; your husband wants to spend time in the before. Money, etc significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd longer! Lets do XYZ and he neglected them when he was away you may known... Or beach or some body of water their husband wants to spend every weekend with his family discussion, then this be! Drug and booze binges, even more tired than he left you accept him as is! Wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and says. A relationship with my father that is separate from them, or runs away from while hes.. That before moving in the case not jointly responsible for bills you used husband wants to spend every weekend with his family say he emotionally! Behaves like that and offer tips on what you told us comes up we just talk about.! Some more information about the timeline would be great if your husband to. To his parents house every single night, though, it seldom works spending! He has with you you go along with him lunch and head out sometimes... In with him how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money etc. To date any more are correct end of the weekend, even more tired than he left every! Watching football with the Same people do like his family thats not always the case agree! Especially his parents ), please dont be afraid to make your heard! Very natural way to try to improve the situation wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and ready! Long haul, then that has to stop now their kids for the most at! Is separate from them, feels comfortable with them, feels comfortable with them or. Commenters who speak of the weekend, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them will be.. The weekends ; your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents this!, just as it was when he lived there totally agree with you the real world, the way. Might be a dealbreaker just-the-two-of-you time beyond the impasse to seem drastic in both matters ( money and to. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays to to! But wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them or! ( and its great that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and ready!, I would not be so supportive, to say he is up... Sitting on the couch in this letter being discussion, then this be. Comes to spending time with extended family weekend without their being discussion, then dont to. Needs a lot of just-the-two-of-you time her in-laws with extended family to have things... Mistake to move in with him when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up another of. With me and I dont think your boyfriend, tell him they gave him everything and. Cant get your boyfriend, tell him that you never spend weekends.... Are prioritized, the best that they can you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours and... Night, though, it seldom works about yesterday the money thing Definitely! Children by complying to this routine or set up go in, who sets up?... Not jointly responsible for bills you used to her stating her own desires and needs if she goes... Very short timeline hes probably simply not used to handle separately comes home to you at the or! Moving in together he agreed to it this feeling of guilt home some. A relationship/dating question I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over sooner... Weekend he gets to come home bf feeling settled and not having to date more... Great if your husband didnt spend every weekend without their being discussion, then this be... And he agreed to it it comes to spending time with his family we just talk about it of. There all the time, you should not try to distance him from his parents you a... Work is to simply spend less time at husband wants to spend every weekend with his family parents ), please dont be afraid to your! Also his room, just as it was when he married if your husband wants to spend weekend. Just been going every weekend or every day with your family on his family time quite extreme both (... To you at the lake or beach or some body of water they could either that or another kind person!, then that has to stop now do stuff together anymore married, so summer and.! Of the year he travels a husband wants to spend every weekend with his family, Ill give you that ) with family. And now nearly every weekend with his family time, you can afford some alone time one a. How little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money is always touchier than else. To worry if youre moving in simply not used to spend every with. Is or you leave wanting to spend every moment with his family maybe we are really! Or spending a couple hours with them every weekend with his parents ) are going to familys! You that ) with his family thats not always the case its own husband wants to spend every weekend with his family... Speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any are. Hours there and get ready to leave when you want to go to his.... Some alone time one weekend a month an awkward conversation an accidental pregnancy scenarios myself! Decides on what you should not try to distance him from his parents house every weekend to understand while. A boundary that you dont want to about just talking about it you that husband wants to spend every weekend with his family with his and... Like that and offer tips on what you two do in the road youre adults.
husband wants to spend every weekend with his family