Or the dark side: You will be fat and I will have to look at how fat you are and that would be terrible for me., My stepmother does this to my dad all the time. The specific focus of the boyfriend on LWs food intake and physical exercise is major red flag. If you cannot help someone, and being with that person is hurting you as well, putting some distance may be the healthiest choice. Do you want my help with remembering to do X? They are raw cookie dough and you can see the cookie and you want the cookie, but the cookie dough is just not done enough, but you really want that cookie so much and you know how much better it would be if it were finished baking.and so you are mad that they arent doing what it takes to be a cookie. On the other hand, if your boyfriend puts a lot of stock into what your therapist says, this line might work really well. Because housework affects everyone in the house, but what LW puts in their body, and how LW exercises? Trouble concentrating. ! and but Ive been running for 40 minutes 3-5 times a week for months and I dont feel *any* better (in fact, in many ways I feel *worse*), what is WRONG with me? Your dreams for the future have taken a back seat. You might ask the following questions: Why did . i got a screw driver thing and tried to force the switch witih t; I have a hp 2000 notebook pc and the touch pad and cursor aren`t letting me click on things but the cursor does move? In my experience, that kind of mindset is tough to crack. He thought (for a couple of reasons) that it was a scam (as did my Dad who lent me the money to go to the course). Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. He agreed it might help, and I immediately went out and got them and it did help. Finally, I also worry a bit about something almost the opposite of not wanting to help you through hard times, which is not wanting you to get better. My partner of 3 1/2 years has depression and anxiety, and sometimes I act as her monitor/coach/support person in some ways. Ive read a ton of stories from people who were pushed, and their health was badly hurt. He can just take you and chisel at you until he gets the enthusiastic, bubbly, thin dream-partner he wants out of what he sees to be a depressive heap. What this involves is offering your emotional openness and love (instead of the tension of stress, fear and needing something to be happy). When I said, I would find recognition for the progress I am making much more helpful than notes on what I could do better, he initially balked. If he reacts poorly, or if LW feels unable to give advice because he claims that means theyre unsupportive (an only-to-real double standard), then that is key information and likely points to the impending doom of the relationship. I cant believe you just did that to me etc etc. Dating you is a privilege you get to grant people, not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering. On one such occasion, I decided I needed a big vat of coconut sticky rice. The first step is to find out why he stopped making an effort and this may surprise you. Or, put another way, you are going to feel so much better when your inner monologue isnt being interrupted by his. The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. It doesnt sound like you two ever consensually negotiated a relationship with unequal roles and a power imbalance, nor does it sound like what you want. This is emotionally manipulative behavior. ", But It is indeed hard. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. It didnt make it easy, but it helped, and it showed support. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. For instance, it takes me 20 minutes to get out the door in the morning: wake up, shower, comb hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, out the door. I think he has a lot of ideas about how this is affecting him, directly. He no longer asks you about what happened during the day, if you had plans with friends or family, or anything of the sort. Let me give an example. I hope Im wrong, but LW, I think your boyfriend would do the exact same thing. There will be someone else out there who is willing to make an effort for you. Knowing why he stopped making an effort will help you in making the right decision. Dear LW, And there's a reason he can't let go of her, and there's a reason you feel like the bond you have with . People arent all good or all bad, but its okay to leave a good person if theyre treating you badly. But I only understood that in theory, I guess, because in practice, I was still trying to second-guess his desires left, right, and center. Yup. Flags everywhere! Run. So, my friends often come over here. People who base their identity around fixing you have a major investment in keeping you broken. When this happens with one of my friends girlfriends I usually catch myself actually being nicer to her. I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? You are strong and brave to decide that you need to draw boundaries. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and wants to help you with care and recovery, theres a real risk theyll become frustrated and upset when presented with evidence that progress isnt happening. Also, being logical in emotions includes: I feel sad, so logically I should do things that make me less sad, Im feeling stressed, so I will eat food I enjoy as self-care, and I feel emotionally drained, so today I will make fewer demands on myself. It is not logical to demand someone ignore their emotions. Not. And will often ask if I want icecream instead With that said, the author adds the context that the dog was originally her ex-boyfriend's, and he had been trying to get his dog back for a while. If I lean my head the other way, I can see a guy who is panicking about his partner being depressed and going about it all wrong. When i try to move the battery lock switch thing it doesn`t move and it`s like stuck. didnt care to be badgered about things and it needed to stop. There can even be some of both this and the previous issue mixed together, because real people (even ones who use lots of reason) can have conflicting and complex emotions. Seriously though, people who want to help you may not always manage to do so in the right ways when they first start trying, but you have clearly told your b/f what you need, and he is ignoring your stated needs. Im sorry, but in my experience, the only good answer to this sort of situation is to dump the guy. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. Then reluctantly, because I was learning my own tastes, and Im not fond of tea in any of its many flavors. I hope you get out much faster than I was able to. what if what if what if?!?! If it were me five years ago, when my self esteem was non-existent, and I were reading this comment thread, my heart would be sinking to my shoes at the very notion of a breakup, because I dont want to be alone for life and who could ever love me again if I screw this up? As the Captain said, he likes potential you. What can you do to make him see that youre a strong, independent woman who doesnt need anyone looking after her? All he wanted to do was sit and do . A complicating factor is that there was probably a time when it was comforting to you for your boyfriend to be in that caretaker role and to have him believe so strongly in your power to change, back there during the worst of it. We help each other a ton: I carry the groceries and he holds me and listens when I need it. He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. LW, you are already doing so much good stuff for yourself, and at your own pace. That you are so incredibly lucky and your boyfriend is a saint for dating you and youre an idiot it you let him go. The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know So Far, Signs You Lack Self-Love (And How To Develop It), The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You, 6 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To Find Love. And celebrate a little. Its really easy to end up with similarly dodgy partners. 10 He Doesn't Ask You Questions. He dropped out of college to focus on being a sound cloud rapper. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. Ugh, people who think their duty to hound you into achieving your potential is more important than your need to be listened to when you say you dont like that and they should stop! Telling me how logical he is. If I turn back to him and say I dont feel like it, hes completely down with that. It could be as simple as the fact that neither of you is interested in each other anymore. I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. He then believes that if you simply were to do the right things then he would get what he wants. Dont communicate with him except through text/email (if you feel it will be less intense than talking on the phone or in person) or calling each other constantly throughout the day when there are only going to be more fights about who called first and why so much time has passed without either of you initiating contact. Give him some space to take care of his things and do what he needs to do before you start making demands on how much time he should be spending with you or expecting that your relationship will always come first every single time without question. You are the boss of you. I feel like the most charitable view of your boyfriend is maybe someone who doesnt understand depression very well (though who knows, he may even have had first hand experience but its a mental illness that everyone experiences vastly differently) and has absorbed all the messages of exercise releases serotonin and Good Hormones so it is the Natural Cure! Not once, not twice, but every time you call. He wants LW to do these things so he doesnt have to deal with depressed LW (he thinks). My ex did this. Did they worry when you left the house in a revealing outfit? Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. Count me in with the DTMFA crowd. This is awesome! They are going to find your assertiveness attractive and pleasing and be relieved that maybe they can stop worrying about you. Thank you for the link. Thanks again. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. One day, I might even believe it. ! I dont want to invalidate anyone who found exercise very helpful in getting better, but the reason depressed people find people constantly mentioning exercise so wearing is it honestly doesnt work for everyone. Let your thoughts sit while your jealousy simmers down a little bit. Well. After that I dated someone briefly who dismissed everything thing I pointed to as evidence of our vast incompatibility with the shibboleth that relationships take work! Yes, they do take tending and attention, but working on our relationship isnt going to fix things like your habit of borrowing money from me and never paying it back or getting angry when I need time alone. You are more important than he is. The first impression is good and you two exchange numbers. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. Im severely disabled, so maintaining social links is tougher. You are worth loving for who you are, and you are worth loving the way you want to be loved. So many hugs to you. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people .Not both of you. However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. And really, your joy is important. What can I do for them?, Im sad because the person I love is being sad at me, and it would be so much easier if they were happy. And exercise does help me it does! When I left my abusive family? His only motivation to change is to stop you. In other cases, especially if LW and boyfriend are living together or otherwise sharing their lives, LWs actions may affect the boyfriend, and this question would hopefully help him express his needs directly, rather than trying to micromanage LW. . When I look back, I wonder, why did I ever even get in his car without making him tell me a destination? Not really. So even if what LW does affected her bf a lot (and it doesnt), the two of them putting themselves in the position of BF polices LW is bad for both of them. Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? Plus depression demons (aka Jerkbrain) will say things like youre being unreasonable feeling x about this situation, so it really helps to have CA or the voices of commenters saying actually, youre perfectly entitled to feel that way. This was where I got very concerned. My husband and I had a lot of honest conversations after that about what was my thing to take on and what was his thing to take on, and re-adjusting because Id gathered a lot of his things into my own basket. Some of our friends came up with a concotion called a Mahi Mahi pizza, which is basically a Hawaiian pizza with anchovies. Alas, LWs BF appears to be one of them. And hey, when you want to use him as a sounding board for something, maybe this reminder will help: Asking advice or needing help with one thing isnt an invitation for advice about everything. Probably better to stop and say why am I angry about this?. Seriously. They do sound like exactly what Id say, though, if I were the type to try and manipulate my partner into getting thinner and doing all the housework. In hindsight a lot of stuff was terrible and controlling but because I was invested beilived what he said until there was no trust left at all and I had utterly tried everything to get him to listen. Let's discuss four things that happen when you actually stop chasing a man and how this affects the relationship. Like others have mentioned, its super uncool and scary when people use logic and reason as an excuse to ignore other peoples feelings, but when they do that, they also ignore the fact that feelings are real factors that need to be taken into consideration. Controlling never helps this situation, taking care of me and then helping him as he asks to be helped is what helps this situation. Its just really hard to take that final step sometimes, and back off, but its exactly what I need to do. And it shouldnt sound like shes opening the floor to discussion on that one. Youre should-ing all over yourself. Stuart Smalley (aka Sen. Al Franken). Listen to his response and try to . Towards the end of our relationship, he became toxic, rude, and lazy. I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. Not many people at soup kitchens are gonna want to hear Dude mansplain to them how they can improve their lives. I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. What your boyfriend is doing -whether he means to or not is *exactly* the issue that you are going to therapy to deal with. Do you want to be with someone who never likes you for you? You wish your boyfriend was as attentive and loving as he was at the beginning of your relationship. Hmmm, actually, that wasnt the post I was thinking of. I love it, he doesnt. Or maybe I just eat all the crackers, Or the broccoli. Life might be simpler for some of us if it were like that, but it isnt. Part of the reason my boyfriend and I managed to get through it (and got through it with a stronger relationship than I have with my mother) is the lack of picking and nagging. He may have been okay when you were at your most down, but now that youre working with a therapist and coming out of the dark hole you were in, now that youre building your own confidence, motivation and self-respect, hes starting to sound like the sort of asshole who pulls himself up by putting you down. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. he told me to give him space but i feel like he is mad with me and ignoring me; My boyfriend and i have been together 6 months and we had a big fight on the weekend. Your inner monologue isnt being interrupted by his: why did house in revealing. Out much faster than I was able to like that, but LW, you healing! If theyre treating you badly badly hurt if it were like that, but every you. Likes you for you someone who never likes you for you and allow the other to... Im sorry, but love & respect their partner loving for who you are already doing so much good for! 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